Something New

Staying here in Colorado has left me open to experiencing different things. Here at the office, for more than a few hours each day I am the only one here. Now kids don't stop by to see me on the way to the mall or wherever they're going to buy clothes or truck accessories. Now I have empty spots on my calendar, and free time! Now I feel a whole lot less useful.

The most striking new experience, though, is being left.

Both of the two previous years, I left before any of the teens went to their first years of college, before any of the college-age left either. I got to leave my little world here intact, confident that it would be exactly the same when I returned, except for being dusted and tidied up a bit every now and then.

But this summer I came back to everything being different. And now I am here watching my friends leave to experience a whole universe of New Things.

Mary left Saturday. Tawni left this morning. Tracey leaves tomorrow, but stopped over to say goodbye this morning. And since they've been some of the older kids in the Youth Group for as long as I've been here, they are the ones to whom I've gotten closest. I've depended on them. And now they leave.

Frankly, it is a lot easier to be the one doing the leaving.

Get on Your Bikes, Ride.

Today was a lovely day, based solely on the weather. Otherwise, it was hit-or-miss. A bit more of the latter.

I got another ticket on my car, and feel like a fool.

I took six Spanish proficiencies/exam-lettes and hope that I did not fail them, so that there are only three left for me to take tomorrow.

I got to my friends' art exhibit five minutes after they locked the gallery. They took down the display tonight.

I had to bail on a dear friend, and then turn down new plans with several others, for the sake of studying for those God-forsaken proficiencies.

I am now listening to my roommate smack his freaking lips at every bite he takes of his God-forsaken trail mix.

BUT.

But.

But today was the first really perfect day for riding my bike in I-don't-know-how-long.

Oh, I love riding my bike. I used to take her out every day I started to feel low last semester, pedaling as furiously as I could until my legs gave out and any bad memories had long since ceased following me.

I slowed while taking a steep rise in the road today, the strong wind beating back on my face along with gravity. Even in first gear, I had to work hard to get up and felt grateful for the difficulty, for the struggle that for once did not come as a result of my own poor decisions and mistakes. And as soon as I crested the hill, I could coast. I relaxed, held my feet out, and listened to the wind whistle in my sideburns.

If only real life were like this.

Homeward Bound!

Well, more specifically, I already AM home.

The drive was not so bad and was relatively short. I didn't even use the restroom once on the trip! It's okay to be impressed.

My city has changed. It has left me behind.

I instinctively looked around at all the people when I entered this coffee shop, although my fears were proved true when I recognized not one of the pairs of eyes that were locked on their newspapers, coffee, or loved ones.

Of course, this was a common occurrence even when I lived here, as there are about 700,000 people here, but I think I need something here. I'm looking for some familiar feeling or pair of eyes that will anchor me back to this place that used to be home.

Am I home?

Is there home, anymore?

I used to leave my front door and meet homeless people and fall in love and sing songs and dream about all the potential that I was sure I had. And dream about whom I'd fall in love with. And wonder when she'd get here. And wonder when I could bring her home.

Am I home?

Is there home, anymore?

I would walk down the streets on overcast days like today and fall in love and sing songs and dream. Now I just drive through them. Always on the way to somewhere else to dream of some other time and being there with someone.

I left Arkansas on Friday and kept looking over, half-expecting someone to be in the passenger seat with me on the ride home.

Am I home?

Is there home, anymore?

Louisville used to make me sing of love! Where have all these dirges come from?