Whine whine whine (redux)

I am currently heading toward the end of a boys' lock-in here at the church building. We bought and cooked cheap cuts of meat over an open flame and played video games, and threw tennis balls at each other.

A pretty good night, I suppose.

But I am tired. I am 22, it is 5 in the morning, and I am tired. The boys don't know how to clean up their stupid messes in the kitchen, they won't stop yelling and jumping around, and they aren't tired at all. I put on a movie to lull them to sleep, but they began throwing pillows at each other. I am tired of watching them play Guitar Hero and talk about "pwning" each other, tired of explaining myself and the rules to a very combative and childish 19-year-old, and tired (Lord have mercy, I am tired) of their smell.

Can I do this? Am I cut out for ministry? Am I doing enough? Am I doing anything at all?

I just want to sleep, and then I want to drive until I am out of money. I want to escape, and be alone.

I suppose these words are a tad melodramatic for a blog, but I suppose it doesn't matter when they aren't being read anyhow, eh?

Rut.

I don't know how to explain the feeling in my gut right now.

Restless, for one. I am ready to graduate and start living. But there is so much to do before then, and so much to leave behind. Am I anxious to leave? To run from memories and mistakes and reminders of wasted time/potential? To not have to watch enviously while all of my friends get married and live?

I have nearly spent four years here in Arkansas! What have I been doing with my life? How have I progressed? I feel stunted.

Nervous, too. I don't really know what I'll be doing. I am afraid to apply for the internship in Spain, for fear that either I will get it or that I won't. I can't decide which is more terrifying.

Mediocre, still. I just tried to write how I feel on my guitar, and apparently how I feel is sloppy and amelodic. I just tried to put photographs on my "flickr" thing that mean something, but they are all bland and uninspired.

All of this adds up to something to the effect of: "I don't want to leave my room."

Enough complaining. I am ending this.